In September of 2020, I intercepted a text that alerted every cell in my being that my life would never be the same. A few interactions between my husband and my spiritual father would open the door to betrayal so deep that years later I would still have to give the ache in my soul to God daily. In the weeks to follow this text, my husband was exposed for a hidden lifestyle that would lead to not only intimate betrayal but the loss of life as I knew it. We were immediately removed from our positions as lead pastors of the church we had planted in 2015. This church had been the dream in my heart and I had no grid for the trauma that would infiltrate every area of my life. The loss was ultimately pervasive: marriage, dream, job, community, church, and finances. In the darkest moment of my life, I would be forced to resign by our church leadership without even a goodbye to our staff or spiritual family. The dream in my heart taken despite my pleas for one last moment in the room with our people. I was also be forced to sign a noncompete clause to assure I would not participate in ministry in our city - my hometown - that I had been called back to by God in 2011.

I’m sure Jesus would be flipping tables about now.

The ones I knew with certainty would hold up my arms, weep with me, and contend in the most devastating season of my life were absent. In the years following the initial exposure, like dominoes falling before my eyes everything I thought I knew to be true about my marriage would come into collision with a reality that made disillusionment feel like a permanent residence and I would end up in recovery with CPTSD. I went from leading a vibrant ministry, tours in Israel, and a mission house in Honduras making Kingdom Impact to a small circle with women I had never met trying to get the support I needed to recover from the devastation of my life tragically by people of God.

I would find myself financially devastated and searching for employment for years since my resume highlighted a wealth of ministry experience and I was now seemingly “disqualified,” and a google search of my name by any employer would reveal first his arrest and felony charges rather than my life given to ministry. I would ultimately have to change my name. I would be diagnosed with chronic illness that my body couldn't fight due to a weakened immune system that led to unwanted surgeries to get any relief. I would know intimately the reality of both anxiety and depression so real it was often hard to still myself to connect with God.

I learned that betrayal trauma was amplified because it came at the hand of those who should have been safe and even worse represented God. It was not only emotional abuse, but it was spiritual abuse. The intensity of the anxiety and depression that overtook my body made me question if I would survive and in complete vulnerability it even had me on desperate occasions begging God to take my life. Sadly I am not alone in such desperation, and like a magnet I began to draw women with similar stories.

Like me, these women were trying to rebuild their lives with limited resources and options since lives of ministry would look very different for us all. I heard stories of some moving home at 40 because they had nothing to start over with and others living with their children in cars and on couches. These too are former Pastor’s wives. They needed healing too, but like me the lack of financial resources set limits on their healing. This reality undoes me. If this is happening in leadership, we can only imagine what is happening in our pews because women are discipled to believe that we are to submit to man even if marriage is harmful. Ephesians 5 calls a husband to love, cherish and nourish his wife like Christ loves the church, and this is the standard we must return to in effort claim covenant that honors God over simply a document that binds two people by law. Too many believers are living a legal marriage believing they are honoring God rather than a biblical one that emulates Jesus.

As a counselor, I pledged to advocate when mental health crisis was evident, therefore this is not only my story, but my duty to advocate for women suffering in silence believing they are honoring God. Dan Allender says we must name it to heal it, and we must name that this is spiritual and emotional abuse and abuse never honors God.

My prayer is that through the pain of my story, we can reach women, couples and churches and be a vital part of restoring safety in the Christian home. My prayer is that women in crisis can have access to the support they need in times of crisis. My beauty from my ashes would be to see women and marriages restored and taken to the depths with God far greater than the darkness sought to take us out. This I learned through the dark night of the soul - these seasons can take us out, or they can take us to deeper intimacy with the Healer.

We can emerge from our pain leaning on our beloved! And this is how I want to be seen - One who went through the fire and found His love!

Peter, my dear friend, listen to what I am about to tell you. Satan has obtained permission to come and sift you all like wheat to test your faith. But I have prayed for you, Peter, that you would stay faithful to me no matter what comes. Remember this: after you have turned back to me and have been restored, make it your life mission to strengthen your brothers. Luke 22:31-32